When I woke up this morning I wanted coffee, but I stumbled out of bed and made myself a cup of chamomile tea. I'm so tired. It doesn't make sense that I'm so tired. Maybe I'm just bored though. I have nothing to do. I lack purpose. And I feel embarrassed for -- for, what exactly? I feel more and more certain, every day, that my life amounts to nothing. I'm raising two kids. (Don't tell me that's important. I already know.) But they're at school all day. The house is quiet. Sometimes I think about having another baby just so I can create something, just so I can engage with something I know I can do. I could find a job, I guess, but what kind of job? I'm unqualified for all the jobs I'm interested in, and -- what kind of opportunities are there in the middle of small-town Mississippi, where the economy's shot and I only have a bachelor's degree in English? Plenty, probably, but I make excuses. I don't look. I could write, but I'm not good enough to be A Writer so I let myself feel defeated. I quit before I begin. For months, I've been feeling the pressure build. I keep thinking, 'Eventually it'll be enough. I'll do something. I'll find a path. I'll force a change.' But I never do. I just sit here, day after day, hour after hour, wasting myself and wasting my talents. I tell myself I'm making a transition. I'm changing from the stay-at-home mom with two, small kids into the woman I'm going to be next, but I can't see into that future. Everything feels empty. I stare out the window. The trees are bare and the clouds are heavy. They might turn gray around the edges, but it never rains.
(This feels like a confession; it makes me cringe.)
(This feels like a confession; it makes me cringe.)
xo
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteI just wanted to say "Hugs", and that it's February. I find February to be the most depressing month (the holidays are over, but it's still so grey, no hint of spring yet). I don't know what you'll do next (although I have a lot of confidence in you and your abilities), but I am not at surprised that you are having a hard time getting motivation going in February.
ReplyDeleteThat's true. Everything seems twice as impossible to figure out in dreary weather, and we're still relatively new here. Thanks, Carrie!
DeleteI'm sorry you're feeling this way, Em. I hope you can find your momentum again soon. You already know what I think you should do, because, Yes you are good enough to be A Writer. More than enough. Set aside a specific time when you make yourself show up for work and take it seriously. You deserve to do that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Mom. That's exactly what I should do!
DeleteOf course, you are good enough to be a writer!! BELIEVE in yourself...we all do! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rosinda!
DeleteYou are absolutely good enough to be A Writer. Go for it! It's better to do it now then to wait 15 years and THEN realize you were good enough all along...because then you'd have wasted 15 years. Seriously, you're great. You've got this.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the other day I was thinking about something I started doing when I was 22, but then quit because I decided I was "too old" to be a beginner. It occurred to me how ridiculous that was and how if I'd stuck with it I would've been doing it for 11 years already. So you're right, I should USE these years! :-)
DeleteI've been there - a stay at home mom and then the kids were in school. But even though they're gone most the day, they still really need you for the rest of it. I wound up rushing back to work. That worked out well for me, I guess - I'm not sure - maybe. I do know that I'm glad I stayed home those years that they were young. It's a tough crossroads, figuring it all out. Maybe come up with some writing projects you can get a little excited about? Best of luck - you'll figure out what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this comment. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one whose struggled with this transition. It helps to know other people found this difficult, but figured it out and pulled through. Thank you!
DeleteDon't give up. Peek through every open door. Knock down the closed ones. When you find what's right you'll know.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the motivation! I think half the problem is that I've let myself hesitate so long I've started to feel stuck about it. I need to start *doing* something!
DeleteI know you say you know it, but do you really know it! That being a mother and having the privilage to stay home is the most important job you will ever have. I am so tire of woman making other woman feel that they are less because they stay home. I think they want everyone else feel bad because they did not stay home either by choice or no choice. However, if you are feeling like you need to do more their are plenty of things you can do. Yes, you can write, so if that is what you want to do then so do it! You are awesome and a daughter of Heavenly Father. He has made you perfect.
ReplyDeleteYou can volunteer at the school. You can volunteer at a children's hospital rocking crack babies. You can read to the elderly. Help record books for the blind. You can take on-line courses. You can go back to school for a masters. Work out! Bring meals to the home bound through meals on wheels. The possibilities re endless. Volunteering could help boost you moor and help you figure out what you love to to! You are the best Emily! Use the time to make blog books from your years in Italy or Japan.
I didn't think I needed reassurance, but -- I did. I've read a few things lately that made me question the value of staying home with the kids (which is weird because staying home with them has always been a privilege I've valued) and I guess I've felt kind of shaken about it. Thank you.
DeleteDitto. All of it (you're not in my head, are you?). Bird by Bird--I'm sure you've read it, but have you read it lately? Might be a good time for a reread? I keep meaning to get it again from the library.
ReplyDeleteI felt kind of stupid about writing this post, but it helps so much to know I'm not the only person whose ever felt this way. Thank you! I read Bird by Bird a few months ago, but we'd just moved here and Chris wasn't even home from deployment yet. I think it was too much pressure at the time. Maybe I should revisit it now that I'm feeling settled again. I'm definitely still searching, but I'm ready to take up something new!
DeleteDid you every consider volunteering?
ReplyDeleteI have actually, and I do. Maybe I should do more though. I think having obligations that take you away from yourself is invaluable -- and helping others while you're searching for your own sense of purpose is a really good thing to do. Thanks for the suggestion!
DeleteDear Emily, I'd like to suggest two books for you to read as you consider what several commentors say--that you are a fine writer. These are slim books written by talented women like yourself and they will help you explore what writing is and can be for you.
ReplyDeleteHere are the titles: "Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within" by Nathalie Goldberg and "Bird by Bird: Some Instruction on Writing and Life" by Annie Lamott. Peace.
Thank you, as always, Dee! I've read *Bird by Bird* (but maybe it's time for a reread?) but I haven't read *Writing Down the Bones". I'll have to plan a trip to the library soon!
DeleteEmily...I can completely understand where you're coming from here. And I thank you for your confession because even though my children aren't yet both in school all day people keep asking and asking what I'm going to do when they are. I feel the same way -- not qualified for much. But listen to me! YOU are an AMAZEBALLS writer. Believe that you can - we all believe in you! And yes, February is the worst month but spring is around the corner and then soon summer in which you'll get to spend days with your beautiful little girls! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, January! I don't think anyone's ever told me I'm amazeballs before. And I like it! :-) Katherine and I sat on the back porch and drank tea this morning. The birds are chirping and the sun today is blinding!
ReplyDeleteEmily,
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your deep honesty and can def identify w/ this post.
I don't think I need to tell you, but I LOVE YOUR Writing. You are quite Plathish. This is A huge compliment, btw.
I leave you with this quote by Natalie Goldberg from Writing Down The Bones:
"Take out another notebook, pick up another pen, and just write, just write, just write. In the middle of the world, make one positive step. In the center of chaos, make one definitive act. Just write. Say yes, stay alive, be awake. Just write. Just write. Just write.”
Love Love LOve. XXx
You're too wonderful to me, you know? Thanks, friend.
DeleteI think most, if not all, writers feel that way--there's so much self-doubt in writing, and I also don't know that there's any real gold standard for when you'd feel like you've become A (Good) Writer, you know? Because to some extent it is pretty subjective, and things like publication, career, etc. are kind of subjective too. But I still think it's a worthwhile pursuit to which a person can devote her time without necessarily having to have worked all that out, I guess. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso though, quitting before beginning = story of my life lately. Thanks for reading this; it was reassuring, somehow, and I look forward to hearing where you go from here. :)
It's definitely subjective. And when it comes to the industry, a lot of it seems to be about your connections. I'd feel better if I was working on something though -- something I could really engage in. I think I use self-doubt as an excuse to avoid the work, you know? I just need to move through that and start again.
DeleteAnd so do you! Because I've read your writing and I KNOW you shouldn't quit before you begin!
My oldest two are in school and my baby is almost 3 and I gotta admit sometimes i wonder what i will do when they are al in school. But transitions in life are always difficult in that they are transitions, but once on the other side it often seems not that bad.
ReplyDeleteTransitions are always hard for me, I think, but you're right -- things always look better on the other side. Thanks, Emmy!
DeleteLove to you. Yes, you are good enough to be a writer!
ReplyDeleteThat means so much to me, Vidya. Thanks!
Delete