I fantasize about yoga.
I see myself pressing my heels to the floor, muscles warm like clay, lifting through my hips, deepening and lengthening. Vertebrae by vertebrae, I see my spine rippling down my back like a ribbon caught in the wind, fluttering, wild for a moment, and then snapping back into place: alignment.
I don't get up.
I stare at the computer until my eyes feel small and hard, hot, like two sun-shriveled blackcurrant berries, and I want something, some future place, some future me, something better than this, but just the same, but different, and then Penelope wakes up.
She bounds down the hall with her bathrobe open. Her nightgown is swinging. "I'm shivery-cold," she announces, so I tie a knot in her robe. I straighten the seams over her shoulders. Then I pull her close and think to myself, again, "I've waited too long."
It is my first real moment.
**Finding the Bigger Picture through Simple Moments**
oh, i get this. yes, yes i do.
ReplyDeleteand that realization that i've waited too long can sometimes put a sharp edge into my day--the opposite of what i was envisioning.
i know that *wanting*, too, and sometime it consumes me. but i'm learning more about living in the present...
Your *real moment* is just right for you, right now. And it sounds like it feels as beautiful as a stretch of yoga.
ReplyDelete--I swear...
ReplyDeleteyour words take my breath away...x
For everything there is a season.
ReplyDeleteOh my, so beautiful; so real.
ReplyDeleteYes, kids have a way of ruining your life! LOL! Seriously, this was beautiful, and I sighed right along with you because I remember those moments all too well.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself why we find ourselves WANTING? Why can I NOT be simply CONTENT. I want to be.
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts Emily.
Hello Emily,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your description of yoga, I thought of my own self in yoga class. I go every Tuesday night; however, it's not enough. My heels don't get all the way to the floor in down dog; but I do stretch and it feels wonderful. It reminds me to do this throughout the week, nudging my body to stretch a wee bit more each time. It's very symbolic of life in general...we need to stretch ourselves...don't settle; don't wait.... I'm percolating, too.
xo
Joann
OH YES....if you liked the winter pictures of Colorado, you'll LOVE summer!!
Wanting something/someone different but the same...very interesting! This will sit with me for a while, I'm sure. I think I've forced "change" in my life before that's led to a loosing of self, and that's not good, not what I'd be seeking at all at this point. Yet growth is still important to me...anyhow, loved the way you expressed this ~ and love the name Penelope!
ReplyDeleteI miss my kids running to me like that! But I so remember the feeling! Enjoy your day!
ReplyDelete"like two sun-shriveled blackcurrant berries"
ReplyDeleteUh-huh. Yup. WONDERFUL imagery. And I've been there as well.
But your first "real" moment is perfection, too. Just like the ??? of life. Because that "real" moment is the answer.
Alita
Yoga would be so good for you.....body, mind and soul. But better than a hug from your sweet little girl...hmmm...no, I don't think so! She sounds like the perfect start to your day.
ReplyDelete"just the same, but different". I find myself chasing that too sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time. But the real is so good too, when you stop long enough to just be in it. It really, really is.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a yoga class but I used to do yoga with a video. I felt less judged then the time I did venture into a class. But my favorite part of the video was that she would say, "feel yourself stretching but don't go too far. Just do what you can do FOR NOW." That was such a good reminder of the Now, for me. Not to wait for that day when I could be more, do more. Just enjoy that stretch.
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer that what we really need (and desire) is right before us, not on the horizon.
ReplyDeleteI started doing yoga again last night after 10ish years. I can hardly type this morning--my fingers hurt. But--it felt so great that I too am fantasizing about yoga.
This is the sort of beautiful prose that leaves me thinking and wondering all day long ... but I echo Sarah. This moment of yours that is real is enough.
ReplyDeletePerfect little anecdote. Words that stir my insides are my favorite. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about running. I think my hips are too old, though! When my eyes feel like "sun-shriveled blackcurrant berries" (great description!) I know I've been on the computer too long!
ReplyDeleteYour realness is better than the fantasy. You write exquisitely.
ReplyDeleteEmily, about six years ago, I took a yoga course. It changed my life. Sadly, I stopped going after a year and started getting lazy about practicing it on my own. Nevertheless, I've never felt more at peace, relaxed, or in the moment as I did during the time I did yoga. The scene you describe in your post reminds me of that time! :)
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully...I could totally feel myself as you. Brava!
ReplyDeleteA feeling I experience daily. Still, those moments are nice, too. It's just easy to forget in that writer's ambition we get.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know Emily that I've nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! The full posting will appear on my blogsite on Monday - all will be revealed!
ReplyDeleteJust wow, such power and beauty in your words and a moment I know so well.
ReplyDeleteSimply lovely
Such powerful words, written with such honesty and vulnerability!
ReplyDeleteYour writing is great! Enjoy Penelope now...you can do yoga when she is older :)
ReplyDeleteI often feel that way too - I'll lie in bed at night thinking of the things I need to do and the things I want to do. When the next day rolls around, life often gets in the way and it doesn't always happen, despite my good intentions!
ReplyDeleteNo, you haven't.
ReplyDelete